The open letter to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford that we’ve all been waiting for

Dear Rob,

Hi. How are you? It’s been a while. Just wanted to check in. See how things are going. How’s the wife? Good? Good. Kids are doing well? Excellent.

Ok, we’re going to cut right to the chase. It’s been weeks now since we in the American media have heard from you. We know you’re trying to get your act together with the whole “rehab” thing so you can run a successful campaign in October. Blah, blah, blah.

Come on, let’s be realistic. You’re not going to get reelected. That’s just a fact. You could lose 150 lbs., swear off alcohol, and only touch crack on Christmas and Easter but people still wouldn’t give you another shot. You’ve just dug yourself too deep of a hole. And you know what? That’s perfectly fine with us.

You know what’s not fine? You desperately trying to be something you’re not. Sober and respectful? That’s not the Rob Ford we know. The Rob Ford we know would have been hammered by 9 a.m. this morning, cracked out of his mind, spewing something racist or sexist, or both.

Remember this?


Or how about this?


We miss this Rob Ford more than you can possibly imagine. Without your shit-faced shenanigans, we’re stuck with Justin Bieber and Solange Knowles to keep us entertained. And those aren’t people you want to have to rely on in times such as these.

OK, so we know this whole politics thing is really important to you and that you love your mayor seat and the people of Toronto almost as much as that eight ball of crack cocaine you have shoved deep inside your glove compartment.

But when one door closes, another one opens. America would be happy to have you as a major political player. It’s considered weird if you’re in American politics and you don’t get drunk or high on a daily basis.

The Oval Office was pretty much an opium den when Bill Clinton was at the helm. Dude was drunk and high 24/7. Why do you think he got with Monica Lewinsky? Woof.

Heck, George Dubya’s probably smoking crack as we speak. And Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move!” campaign? Come on, we all know that’s really an underground meth operation.

So, please go back to being the Rob Ford that we all know you’re meant to be. We hear Joe Biden’s looking for a running mate for 2016 and you’re the perfect candidate. Don’t worry about the whole “I’m from Canada” thing. We have ways around that.

We love you and miss you, Rob. And, most importantly, we’re just really, really bored.

So please come back.


The United States of America (and the cool parts of Canada)

P.S. Can we at least get one more Rob Ford dance? For old times sake?


Thanks pal.



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